Simpsons Chief Wiggum I May Kill Again Gif

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Tomorrow, FXX begins its 12-day marathon of every Simpsons episode ever. This is in itself a monumental and staggering challenge, and we have already produced a guide on how to handle it. Merely this revived Simpsons mania led me down an even deeper, darker garden path: an effort to painstakingly catalogue the funniest line spoken by every important Simpsons graphic symbol, from the five main family members to the recesses of the vast recurring cast. Every option is, of form, utterly definitive, and I'm sure no one will accept any objections to them. Just I accept annotated about of them just in case there is debate. Read on, hopefully with a mix of horror and delight.

Homer Simpson

"Everything lasts forever."
—Homer the Bang-up (Season half dozen, Episode 12), in response to Lisa'south alarm, "Dad I know you lot think you lot're happy at present, only it's non gonna terminal forever!"
[in that location is no one greatest Homer line, I acknowledge. This quiet substitution in the middle of the Stonecutters episode has long been a personal favorite]

Marge Simpson

"Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no ane will even care if you succeed. Dinner'due south in the oven. If you want some butter it'due south under my confront."
—The Twisted Earth of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode xi), subsequently her pretzel business fails.
[whenever we get a glimpse into Marge's deep, merely ordinarily subconscious, well of darkness and depression is usually when she's at her funniest]

Lisa Simpson

"If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room."
—Bart Gets Famous (Flavor 5, Episode 12), subsequently the whole cast recite their catchphrases.
[Lisa is maybe the best character on The Simpsons, partly because she almost doesn't want to have role]

Bart Simpson

"I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."
—Bart Sells His Soul (Season vii, Episode iv), after Lisa quotes Pablo Neruda to him.
[Bart is the most catchphrase-y character but makes me laugh the most when he's being dry]

Grandpa Simpson

"I can't wait to eat that monkey."
—Girly Edition (Season nine, Episode 21), after meeting his new helper monkey Mojo.
[I also considered the line about beingness "with it" from Homerpalooza, but that'due south only a brilliant slice of writing, less character-specific]

Charles Montgomery Burns

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
—Rosebud (Season v, Episode 4), subsequently being given a profane birthday concert by The Ramones.
[impossible to choose, but in that location'southward something and then perfect about the combination of casual evil and cultural unawareness here]

Waylon Smithers

"Uh, no, they're saying, 'Boo-urns! Boo-urns!'"
—A Star is Burns (Season 6, Episode 18), reassuring his dominate of his popularity.
[his all-time line, merely it's rarely attributed to him]

Seymour Skinner

"Attention, students, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one."
—Lisa on Water ice (Season half-dozen, Episode 8), making a school annunciation.
[but he did, and so he'll follow the rules about it]

Agnes Skinner

"Oh my proper noun's Agnes, and you know information technology's Agnes! It means lamb! Lamb of God!"
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season eight, Episode xi), when Marge forgets her proper name
[very close betwixt this and, from the same episode,"Gimbels is gone, Marge…LONG gone. You're Gimbels!"]

Krusty the Clown

"Sex Cauldron?! I thought they airtight that place down!"
—Course Schoolhouse Confidential (Season 8, Episode 19), after Maude spells out the words "sex" and "children."
[my favorite character. I could fill an article with his lines]

Sideshow Bob

"Oh, cousin Merl, actually!"
—Brother From Another Series (Flavour eight, Episode 16), after his construction site co-worker says his dead smellhound has "gone to heaven."
[nosotros should build whole cities in tribute to the manner Kelsey Grammer delivers this line]

Sideshow Mel

"Anybody's always kissing your ass. Well I'chiliad not afraid to tell y'all, yous're a- [Bleep]"
—I Beloved Lisa (Season 4, Episode fifteen), drunk on "wowie juice" in a never-before-seen Krusty the Clown clip
[Sideshow Mel is very funny simply only because he's so serious]

Patty Bouvier

"There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality."
—Treehouse of Horror III (Season 4, Episode v), spoken as Homer runs past naked.
[it would only take her twelve more years to address this publicly!]

Selma Bouvier

"So call me Mrs. Scum."
—Black Widower (Season 3, Episode 21), later Bart warns her against marrying Sideshow Bob, who Bart calls "scum."
[Selma is possibly the more tragic of the Bouvier twins, although her optimism regarding men is admirable]

Ned Flanders

"It's good for keepin' downward the urges!"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season 8, Episode six), in reference to cornstarch.
[almost a throwaway in the episode, merely there's then much to think about at that place]

Maude Flanders

"Unflavored for me!"
—Home Sweetness Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Flavour seven, Episode 3), putting in an society for non-fatty ice milk.
[she was the perfect adult female for him]

Rod Flanders

"Iron helps united states of america play!"
—Lisa's Commencement Word (Season 4, Episode 10), running to eat liver for dinner.

Todd Flanders

"Daddy says dice are wicked!"
—My Sister, My Sitter (Season 8, Episode 17), playing lath games with Lisa.
[it'due south more Moe's line but I too beloved "my freakin' ears!"]

Reverend Lovejoy

"Ned, have you considered whatsoever of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
—Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Flavour 7, Episode 3), giving spiritual advice to Ned.
[all his all-time lines are along these parameters]

Helen Lovejoy

"It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human torso, which, practical as they may exist, are evil!"
—Itchy and Scratchy and Marge (Season 2, Episode 9), discussing Michaelangelo's David.
[Helen'south hysterical delivery is crucial to everything she does, such equally the much-quoted line linked above]

Clancy Wiggum

"Bake 'em away, toys!"
—Cape Feare (Season 5, Episode ii), overriding Bart's order of "take 'em away, boys!"
[perfect in its simplicity]

Ralph Wiggum

"Mrs. Krabappel and Master Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw 1 of the babies so the baby looked at me"
—Course Schoolhouse Confidential (Flavour 8, Episode 19), after witnessing a makeout session in a janitor's cupboard.
[the most over-quoted Simpsons character, but he has a ton of peachy moments]

Groundskeeper Willie

"Give me that, y'all noodle-armed choir-male child!"
—The Joy of Sect (Season nine, Episode xiii), fighting with Reverend Lovejoy over who gets to shell the cult programming out of Homer.
[followed by Reverend Lovejoy calling him "Mr. Kilt"]

Barney Gumble

"LORD PALMERSTON!"
—Homer at the Bat (Flavour 3, Episode 17), debating England's greatest Prime number Minister with Wade Boggs.
[the best version of the 'stupid guy is smart' joke e'er]

Apu

"Ah. The searing osculation of hot atomic number 82; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'k dying."
—Homer and Apu (Season 5, Episode 13), after being shot.
[I love Apu jokes that center on his brave and violent occupation]

Moe

"I'chiliad better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy shop-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff."
—Team Homer (Flavour seven, Episode 12), evaluating his status in life.
[right backside Krusty in the "favorite character" and "endlessly funny lines" categories]

Kirk Van Houten

"It's nobility! Gah! Don't you even know dignity when you see it?"
—A Milhouse Divided (Flavor eight, Episode half dozen), trying to draw the concept of "dignity" for his wife.
[this whole scene is a masterpiece, and "Tin I Infringe a Feeling" isn't actually a quote]

Luann Van Houten

"I'm deplorable, I'k not every bit smart as you, Kirk. We didn't all become to Gudger College."
—A Milhouse Divided (Season 8, Episode 6), failing to judge Kirk's "dignity" clue.
[Gudger College is fictional, but that name is perfect]

Milhouse Van Houten

"Everything's coming upwardly Milhouse!"
—Mom and Pop Fine art (Season 10, Episode 9), when his flood pants keep his cuffs "bone-dry."
[sometimes it's best to go with the greatest hits]

Lionel Hutz

"He's had information technology in for me ever since I kinda ran over his canis familiaris. Well, supervene upon the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the word 'dog' with 'son.'"
—Marge in Chains (Flavor iv, Episode 21), discussing his human relationship with Gauge Snyder.
[how do you choice merely ane Hutz line? It'southward impossible]

Troy McClure

"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the take a chance, he'd eat you and anybody you care nigh!"
—Lisa the Vegetarian (Flavor seven, Episode five), advocating against vegetarianism.
[but every bit impossible, simply this whole fake newsreel is my favorite Troy McClure scene]

Lenny Leonard

"Ow, my eye! I'thou not supposed to get pudding in it!"
—Homer vs. Nobility (Season 12, Episode 5), as pudding is hurled at his eye.
[a wonderful directly man and autumn guy]

Carl Carlson

"Aw, nuts. I hateful...aw, nuts."
—Mountain of Madness (Flavour eight, Episode 12), after he is partnered with Lenny in a team-building exercise.
[Carl's relationship with Lenny is so dense and complicated and largely unspoken]

Kent Brockman

"Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The regime calls it the Army, only a more alarmist proper noun would exist...the Killbot Manufacturing plant."
—Homer Loves Flanders (Season 5, Episode 16)
[other obvious choices include "insect overlords" and "democracy simply doesn't work," merely this is an quondam personal favorite. Thanks to his job on the bear witness, Kent is one of the best sources of 1-liners]

Edna Krabappel

"She's faking."
—Bart'south Friend Falls In Dearest (Season 3, Episode 23), watching a sex teaching video with her fourth-graders.
[really, all you need is "HAH!"]

Miss Hoover

"I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word."
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Flavour 7, Episode 16), endorsing the use of the discussion "embiggens."
[pretty much every great Miss Hoover moment hinges on her utter aloofness]

Superintendent Chalmers

"Oh, I have had information technology, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class afterward class of ugly, ugly children!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Flavor 5, Episode xix), evaluating Springfield Elementary.
[the greatest Utican to ever announced on television]

Comic Book Guy

"Ohhh, I've wasted my life."
—Treehouse of Horror 8 (Flavor 9, Episode four), seconds before he is obliterated by a neutron bomb.
[a close-runner upwards is "I can give you this telephone. It is shaped similar Mary Worth."]

Professor Frink

"Delight, I have a funny story, if you lot'll listen? I fifty-fifty wrote theme music, listen! Ahem. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you lot laugh, he'll make you call back, he likes to run, and and then the affair, with the...person? Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay"
—22 Brusk Films Almost Springfield (Flavour vii, Episode 21), missing his chance at debuting his spinoff "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink."
[it'south all about the commitment with Frink, but I wish we could have seen this prove]

Dr. Hibbert

"Also crazy for Boy'due south Boondocks, too much of a boy for Crazy Town!"
—Treehouse of Horror Vii (Flavour eight, Episode 1), describing Bart's evil twin.
[Hibbert'southward not really with the jokes, merely he'south so quietly demented]

Nelson Muntz

"I 'unno. Gotta nuke somethin'."
—Lisa's Date With Destiny (Season 8, Episode 7), defending his "Nuke the Whales" poster.
[gotta nuke somethin'!]

Fat Tony

"You accept 24 hours to requite usa our money. And to show you lot we're serious… you have 12 hours."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season viii, Episode 11), giving Marge a mob ultimatum.
[he's legendarily great throughout this episode]

Body of water Captain

"Arr, I don't know what I'm doin'."
—Boy-Scouts N the Hood (Season 5, Episode 8), after a boat he'due south trying to sell to Homer sinks.
[for a man whose name is an occupation, the Bounding main Captain has held many jobs over the years]

Luigi

"Hey Salvatore! Get the ugly kid a platter of the red crap-a!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Season 5, Episode xix), putting in an gild for Bart's food.
[too: "Yeah, you see how you scum"]

Jasper

"Sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'."
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Function Two (Flavor 7, Episode 1), as Smithers approaches him drunkenly.
[Jasper is a secret fountain of great quotes]

Gil Gunderson

"Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in there! [hot plate falls from the balloon] Oh, lord, my hot plate! I only had ii payments left!"
—Natural Born Kissers (Season 9, Episode 25), after Homer and Marge steal his hot air airship.
[aforementioned for Gil. Remember his rusty Colecovisions]

Joe Quimby

"Tin't nosotros accept 1 coming together that doesn't end with us digging upward a corpse?
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Season vii, Episode 16), after the boondocks decides to dig upwards Jebediah Springfield'due south corpse.
[Quimby has never said annihilation that wasn't funny]

The Blue-Haired Lawyer

"Please sign these papers indicating that y'all did non save Itchy & Scratchy."
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Testify (Flavour 8, Episode 14), after Roger Myers Jr. tells Lisa she saved Itchy & Scratchy.
[I beloved the blue-haired lawyer.]

Martin Prince

"Ooh! Option me, Teacher! I'thousand always and so smart!"
—The Last Temptation of Homer (Season 5, Episode ix), calling out in course.
[Squad Discovery Channel!]

Uter

"Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!"
—Lisa on Water ice (Season 6, Episode 8), beingness chased past Homer the towel-snapper in the gym
[Uter might not take another bully line, but he's got this one]

Jimbo

"That is and so gay!"
—Lisa's Appointment With Destiny (Season viii, Episode seven), upon witnessing Nelson kiss a daughter.
[probably the funniest of the bully trio]

Hans Moleman

"I need the biggest seed bell you have. ...No, that's too big."
—Itchy & Scratchy Land (Season vi, Episode 4), nether attack from predatory birds
[just thinking nearly what they said on the other side of this call puts me in hysterics]

Otto

"Wow, I had mustard?"
—The Otto Show (Flavor 3, Episode 22), upon being told the only possessions in his apartment were a jar of mustard and old motorcycle magazines.
[not a lot of funny Otto lines!]

Disco Stu

"Disco Stu doesn't annunciate."
—Ii Bad Neighbors (Season 7, Episode 13), rejecting Homer'due south "Disco Stud" jacket which is missing a D because he ran out of rhinestones.
[a hilarious 1-joke appearance that should accept ended there]

Dr. Nick

"When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?"
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part ii (Season seven, Episode i), inspecting a catatonic Mr. Burns.
[one of the all-time one-joke characters]

Lunchlady Doris

"More testicles means more iron."
—Sweet Seymour Skinner'southward Baadasssss Song (Flavor 5, Episode xix), preparing lunch from a barrel of horse testicles.
[but don't forget her promoting the "bunly goodness" of a hot domestic dog bun]

Duffman

"Duffman... can't breathe! OH no!"
—Pygmoelian (Season 11, Episode 16), later on Moe puts a suffocating sticker on his face.
[another one-joke grapheme who maybe should accept died with this appearance]

Serpent

"She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!"
— Realty Bites (Season 9, Episode ix), when Homer buys his motorcar at auction.

Database

"I go far a point never to turn my head unless I expect to meet something, Bart."
—Bart's Comet (Season 6, Episode 14), after Bart tells him to look at the comet out the window.
[what a persnickety nerd. Officially Matt Groening's to the lowest degree favorite character]

Cletus

"Hey, I can call my ma from upward here. HEY MA, GET OFF THE DANG ROOF!"
—22 Short Films About Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), climbing a phone pole.

Kang

"It does non matter which mode you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed!"
—Treehouse of Horror 7 (Flavour eight, Episode 1), equally Bob Dole, discussing American commonwealth
[the aliens' best episode is when they're dressed every bit Clinton and Dole, only it counts]

Kodos

"My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball game, but tonight I say, nosotros must move forward, not backward, upward not frontwards, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom."
—Treehouse of Horror VII (Season viii, Episode 1), equally Beak Clinton, making his pitch to the American people.
[see above]

Poochie

"Hey kids, always recycle. TO THE EXTREME!"
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Testify (Season viii, Episode 14), giving young people advice.
[considering he technically didn't say "I have to go now. My planet needs me."]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

"But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me."
—Krusty Gets Kancelled (Season 4, Episode 22), when a taco he sold is returned.
[there's maybe a better one, just everything that comes out of this kid'south mouth works]

Sarcastic Guy

"Bingo bango, sugar in the gas tank. The ex-married man strikes again!"
—Bart the Lover (Season 3, Episode 16), assisting Edna with her machine.
[the Sarcastic Guy is ane of the best hole-and-corner Simpsons characters]

Rainier Wolfcastle

"My eyes! The goggles do zero!"
—Radioactive Man (Season 7, Episode 2), as he is carried away by a wave of acid
[allow's end things hither.]

Countless thank you to Joe Reid and my Twitter followers in helping me compile this maddening projection.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2014/08/the-greatest-line-every-simpsons-character-ever-delivered/378879/